Some of you may have read I Love the Big Catch of Fish where I shared about an amazing story of how God provided money for me to drive to a blogging conference in PA that begins tomorrow.
Since I wrote that post, a few things have happened. This is in a somewhat random order to reflect the disorganization of my thoughts.
1. The morning the Big Catch was posted, I badly rear-ended another driver while looking in the rear view mirror and talking to my son Dylan about Lyle the Kindly Viking.
2. I was driving my husband’s car because our “main” car was in the shop getting tuned up for me to drive to the conference.
3. I totaled my husband’s car. We were all fine, but pray for the other driver. I feel TERRIBLE because I don’t remember if I said sorry to him. I was a blubbering idiot.
4. When we picked up the “main” car from the mechanic, we learned it needs a major expensive repair. We are down to one car that goes in next week for repair. Anyone want to drive us around for two days?
5. My engagement ring was broken in the accident and the diamond fell out, but the firefighter found it. I am sad not to wear it, but it’s fixable.
6. My mother in law awesomely offered to supplement the Big Catch so that I could fly to the conference.
7. I have been a crying, scattered, blubbering mess the past week dealing with the stress and guilt of the wreck, being a one car family, and leaving my family for four days.
8. Dylan dreamed that he was peeing in the toilet, but actually he was peeing all over his bed. I have spent two days washing his mattress with vinegar and baking soda.
9. My blog switched names and I frantically attempted a pathetic effort at dealing with all the technology entailed in such a move. I cried a lot. Even though I am a very emotional person–I really don’t cry this often normally.)
10. I began to wonder if maybe I messed up God’s plan with the Big Catch.Or maybe I misunderstood? Why didn’t something that seemed SO PERFECT suddenly seem SO RUINED.
Tomorrow I will leave my husband, my kids, my laundry pile, and my driveway with a wrecked car in it. I will get on a plane, go to a conference, and take an airport shuttle to a hotel. I will meet strangers. I will hand out a business card that I helped make. I will use an iPad that I borrowed. I will be a professional? I will know what I’m doing? I will become confident, assured, friendly, and focused?
Ugghh. I will be totally out of my depth. I will be insecure and small and pathetic and needy and incapable.
Then I remembered something.
After Jesus’ biggest most awesome miracle, His resurrection, when his disciples were likely the MOST psyched about what He was doing, and who He was, and what His Big Plan would be . . . .
He left them.
I mean, he ascended to heaven and said “I will be with you always,” but then he floated up into the clouds and didn’t come back. He left the Holy Spirit with them, but His physical presence that they had come to know and love was gone.
I gotta say, I bet those guys were staring up in the clouds for a long time before they were like, “NOW what the crap are we supposed to do?!? That is NOT what I thought He was gonna do.”
After the excitement of seeing Jesus rise from the dead, the disciples probably thought they had a little insight into what God and Jesus were going to do. They probably envisioned grandeur, power, glory, and fame.
Finally! Jesus would take his rightful place and show all those who doubted Him who He really was!
And then as the days passed by, it probably occurred to them that the plan was going to be different. Maybe they felt a little disappointed. They might have even felt a little insulted that he hadn’t disclosed more to them. They didn’t know that it was going to be up to them to show all those who doubted Him who Jesus really was.
So, how does that related to me and my measly problems? Well, it is fun and awesome to tell you great stories about God’s awe inspiring miraculous provision, hypothesizing about what I think His plan is for long drives of intimate spiritual discussion, but let me tell you folks, that is just not gonna happen now. It turns out, I was wrong about the plan.
Truthfully, I don’t know what He is up to with this adrenaline up and down. I can’t fabricate a cohesive explanation for how my wreck, my insecurity, my hours scrubbing a urine soaked mattress all fit into His plan. If I’m being honest, I’ll tell you that these trials and problems are the kind of thing that makes me doubt and wonder and question Him in spite of the amazing things He’s done.
But I think he might be saying, “Now it is up to you, Katrina, to show all those who doubt Me, who I really am in your life.”
Therefore, I will pull these crazy emotions together, leave my kids and hubby to scratch out a living without me (I flatter myself; don’t I?), catch a ride with my sister to the airport, and see if the Big Catch Catches Air somewhere between here and PA. I have no idea what He’s doing, but I STILL think it is going to be something amazing in spite of me.
If you think of it, would you mind praying for my family? And the driver that I hit? And me . . . that I will get a grip, learn something, and not cry all over the three women who have agreed to be my roommates.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Update: THIS story just won’t stop. In 2012, God did ANOTHER amazing miracle related to this conference, which you can read about in I Love the Soggy Fleece.